“Anonymity is the Spiritual foundation of our program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”
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“Anonymity is the Spiritual foundation of our program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”
There is a wee bit of a “self-sacrifice” ;) when you share your story in a meeting, with somebody personally, and especially with the world, I am here to tell ya. lol
There are a few reasons why “we” stay anonymous... the 1st., is about “spirituality,” 2nd., “humility,” 3rd., the “heavy stigma” “we” still suffer from the “public.” Ignorance is not bliss.
Folks can lose their jobs, repute, etc., etc., ad nauseum, with community, peers and even family members when we become “visible.” Many “rubber necks” are shocked by the lives “we” lived before “proper” treatment, and how easy it is for “us” to talk about, be cathartic, “air it out.”
I have been very open about my recovery since I got into the program, “1990.” I am a staunch advocate for recovery, I mold my life around my recovery, and that which does not fit into that mold does not stay in my recovery, or life, for very long, they generally break themselves on me. I only go to Hell to fish folks out of that shithole, it's not my permanent residence, however. ;)
For me, the cliché' “to drink is to die,” is not so “cliche'.” It's reality, I'm dead long before I ever pick up that first drink. If the “obsession” to drink returns... it means “I'm not dealing with life, reality, and looking for relief, a way out.”
This is called “Relapse,” and drinking has nothing to do with it. I haven't had to drink in a long time, I don't have a “drinking problem,” what I have is a “living problem,” and “relapse” is the “Red Flag” that say's “get your shit together or you will be chasing this tiger by it's tail again, belly'd up to the bar.
I was told if I “stuck around the program long enough, I would see what I was being saved from.”
I was in the program “ten-years” before I had a clue, really. I thought I had a clue, but looking back now, I was so wet behind the ears. At about twenty-something years into the program more was revealed and it rocked my world big time. At about twenty-five years I got into psychotherapy because I was dying, and I need to do it proper, make sure my house was in order, do it with dignity, be strong, be a man for my family, no matter how bad it hurt.
That's when things started to get traction, made sense and it was blowing my mind. My health turned the corner miraculously, and the rest is history. I am as “fit” as I was at 25-years old, but beat up from the feat up a wee bit, but have not been this healthy in over 30-years. The timing is very uncanny.
My life came full-circle at about 52-years old, more was revealed again, and again my ass fell off once more. I did not fully comprehend how sick I was, “I was so sick” with chronic pancreatitis. It literally has taken “years” for my body and brain to heal from all of that experience. The amount of imaging alone... all the narcotics, meds to keep me alive and level, kicking all that shit mostly “cold turkey” at home, batshit crazy. Getting all that crap out of my body, has taken a lot of time, a lot of hard work, a lot of my heart, serious commitment to get well.
I am not willing to give that up for anything in this world.
It feels like everyday, I remember more, wake up a bit more... and feel much more. The only way I can explain this is like, my “vision” gets better with every new pair of glasses I buy,... when I lose my old ones “for good.” It's like “waking up to myself,” the guy who was healthy, dynamic, fully engaged in life, with community, making a difference for all the right reasons. I've always been a very busy guy, with many irons in the fire.
It feels like, “what happened to me, where did I go?” All this time past by, my wife and kids were trudging along in life, watching their dad fade away. I missed out on a lot of stuff(kids sports) and I was like “semi-comatose” most the time the pain was so unbearable, day in day out. Every stint they put into my pancreas to keep me alive, caused a “pancreatic attack” and nearly killed me.
Do that long enough and your perspective about life and living will change dramatically... how could it not, crossing over that threshold from life to death so many times. I had some pretty harsh things to say about God, and all I got back from Him was, “that's my kid, give 'em Hell Pat!” God has pretty broad shoulders, he can take anything I can dish out.
I have no idea of how much “brain damage” I suffered from, but all my organs took a hard hit... for three-years strait, it was an all out dogfight for my life.
I cannot possibly expect anybody to understand the changes I have gone through, except the one's who has suffered the same... and lived to talk about it, and there ain't many of them.
It takes a lot out of me to share my story, be open as I am... I feel a major drain afterwords every time I do, and I have to rest, feel like I just went ten-rounds in the boxing ring, but not sure what that dynamic is all about yet.
I like my privacy but it's compromised because of my "recovery," and always has been, that's the price I must pay, for my “admission” to my “sobriety,” and she has holds the note in her hand.
I don't do what I do for “attention,” or “recognition.” I've had my two-minutes of “fame” lmao, and it was more than I could handle, with an ego like mine, truly truly.
I do what I do, because I'm literally trying to save lives, stay alive myeslf, bring awareness to a massive problem in this country that is killing our youth in frightening numbers, to the tune of about 180,000 per year, families are being destroyed, dreams shattered, fatherless children, drug addicted mothers etc., addiction/alcoholism kills about everything it touches.
My sobriety is the most important thing in my life, without it, life seizes to exist for me, I am dead to this world and to myself, I'm useless, taking up space.
I let nothing come in between my sobriety... lest I die a miserable death, like all the rest. I do what I “need” to do to keep my sobriety, my sanity, and not what an “earthling” thinks, that has not a frig'n clue.
Until you walk in the path I have, lived in my skin for 57-years, you have “absolutely nothing to say about how I live my life, or manage it, zero, say in it.”
I was told a very unfortunate truth by a very respectable counselor, “Recovery is a selfish gig.” Recovery is for those who want it, not need it, and it's really obvious who wants it, and who doesn't, by their actions. I only give as much as I receive.
Boundaries are the toughest lesson to learn. It's not just the “alky or addict” that is “sick” in the family. Alcoholism and addiction are a “family” dis-ease.” It takes the whole family being onboard, working their own program to keep the family dynamics healthy. When the family is not on board, “working a program of their own” it is impossible for the alky or addict to recover, and they are actually a “liability,” to the recovery of the individual.
Recovery is not for the faint of heart.
Pek.
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